laugh

ABC video news site

2008-06-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

I wanted to read, at first, why i was on ABC News' site was, I wanted to see about Obama going after Evagelical Christians.

I click a link where Jimmy Kimmy looks real wide in one of what at first looked like Cliff Huxtable's sweaters but turned out to be from Arsenio Hall's second season.... and shows Obama smoking in a fake McCain add, but then I see next to the screen under "Top Videos"

Hasslebeck: Obama not brilliant.

To be fair this was second under :

Rage! Girlfight Posted on YouTube.

what? these are top? really?

At once I stopped considering it. When such an statement comes from such unbiased and informed citizen as Hasslebeck is. it seems obvious he must be cut from the same loin cloth as ... say W.E.B. DuBois?

It should be noted before being cut off and sent to commercial break Hasslebeck contended Obama initially supported Bush in the Iraqi War. ... Wow... sit back and just think about that.

sketchy

2006-10-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

my cousin in moma

Media terms guide

2006-10-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

Universal NBC isn’t it weird that they teamed up with Telemundo instead of Univision.
What a waste.

candians sieze control in lastest world scuffle

2006-04-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

Who wins in a gurilla fight between the Canadian military and Taliban fighters? This could be the BEST possible explaination of US fear of phsyco-is?lamo-fascist guys taking over the world and making the US not be awesome.

You ever watch the old Family Channel show called Bordertown. Once it taught me a little something about US hegemony and our neighbor to the north. I like Canadians, and I often root for Candian stuff (mostly winter sports and health care) over US stuff. But, yeah, I feel an air on superiority over them when it comes to most things.

There was this time when Jack (left) was yakking it up in a chuck wagon with a fellow American civil war vet buddy. Clive (middle) had been defending the actions of the Canadian government in so controversial circumstance and made the Canadians seem kinda tough. They laughed when one of them (jack or his friend, not clive) called Canadians "oatmeal savages". My dad had to expain to me what that meant. The term stuck in my head and the stories I found on the CBC website made me think of it again today.

Go look at/learn about the Fighting Canadians. This picture makes them look like the weekend warrior/ntl gaurd boys that bazooked a spry John Rambo in an abondoned, unwittingly leaving him alive to fantastic acts of terrorism back in town.

When i start a college that will be my mascot. the fighting canadians.
(the $2 mascot/logo contest begins now. entries due by 8/7/06)

look go on the website, see what canadians did on D-Day. they were probably frontiersman killing Indians too ya know.

This post achieves

be funny

2006-04-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

Things you wont soon see.

A Native American Secretary of Agriculture
A clothing lined based on the styles of poor Eastern Europeans becoming cool
An announcer throwing it, "back to Marv Albert and Bob Knight in the studio" for analysis of the first half of a WNBA regular season contest
Bjork on the Apprentice

Yesterday at the same time the doorbell in my building was rung, and there was breaking news on channel 7.
On TV there was a significant gas fire in Queens near laGuardia. At the door a man raised his voice just above loud talking and just below a shout, thus sayeth "Gas Man!"
KeySpan was responsible in both cases.

To further the jokes that come obvious with the premise to Brokeback Mountain

Men, howling: "I wish I could quit you" with curiously accurate intensity and desparation.
Particular to me is an old guy I know from Queens who cries it out that the drop of a hat.

Letterman, at a show i went to...
"it was so cold today in new york even the straight cowboys were cuddling"

add this article to the list...
did you ever see OZ on HBO? (its all time warner)

brushes with laughter

2006-04-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today it snowed for 2 hours. It didnt stick, and by 4pm it was simply a cold and windy spring day with no indication of what had come by earlier in the day. While it was on though I schemed to evade jonny law and did my laundry in shorts and no-socked tennis shoes.

I went to times square and made 8 dollars in just over an hour.

I went to a taping of a comedy central show. (i will be on TV this friday @ 9 not as a star or in any meaningful way, but just as a clapping "happy person" in a crowd of many such folks, but you will see me i am sure, on a purple couch in a red hooded sweatshirt.

The behind the scenes comedian i think was the same guy on the last season's finale episode of the apprentice. did an aids benefit for yahoo. which is odd because an old lady on the street today asked if I was doing my street pitch on account of being an apprentice contestant. that was a new one on me, just when i thought I had heard'em all.

then I went to the Improv, mainly to see Jim Gafigan. He is funny, looked a mess, and kinda plays crazy, but he is a good comedian. i sat just behind the couple I made 8 bucks from in the street. He had a big Ohio st. wind breaker on in the street, but told me they were from Indiana (ala Bob Knight, kinda not really).

Joe Matarese was there too and gave his myspace out. (look him up if you like, i guess) He says he has anger problems, but he seemed nice to me. smiled a lot.

As the show wound down, the MC at the show (compotent, but not all that funny) got into conversation with the woman I had met in the street. He asked them where they were from in Indiana and the woman didnt know because "she is from Texas". He just wanted her to know Purdue. wow not interesting then or now.

the jokes all got old after a while.

2006-03-22T07:46:00.000-08:00

I came in about 20 minutes late to the show, and at that time I was under the impression that Ellen would be hosting. It turns out that was not really the case.

A performance of Ordinary People by John Legend, was the first thing I saw when the commercial break ended. I was already to hate the Grammy’s so that I could lampoon it easier for the sake of this writing, but I cannot hate when John Legend is singing.

Lucky for me they ruined the goodwill because they immediately cut to a performance by Sugarland and there is nothing like country music to make me want to make fun of people having a good time. The monitors were wrong because we heard people trying to make sure the mics were right (stuff intended for the band and the control room, but not the broadcast audience)

Best country album
Faith Hill
Alison Krauss and Union Station
Brad paisley
Gretchen Wilson
Trisha yearwood

I dont really knw the exact music in this category all that well, but I know of all of these people and I like AK&US the best, so I have no real animosity at this point.

Back from commercial and Bono tell s that U2 is not a rock band, but that “once in a while a song comes along like Vertigo that makes you want to burn your house down.”
What?
What a wreckless man, please folks do not buirn your houses down if you hear this song. And, if you are alone in your car do not set it on fire either. How can a man with such noble ambitions for the 3rd world speak so wrecklessly as to endorse/induce arson on a giant broadcast like the Grammy's. Shame on you Mr. Forgettable Fire Starter.

Then he humbled me: “One”
Mary J. Blige came out and did a duet and they had the word “one” on all the big screens behind them. See, the idea was to promote unity around the world, amongst people, so that the world can be a better place, becuase that is what Bono does, make the world a better place, with every fiber of his being, and every step he take, and every note he cries. He is a healer.
(and the focus of my new book: Dueling Jesus': Bono and older rich guys try to save the universe)
During this song Bono held the world’s largest green guitar.

Best rap album:
Be-common
Cookbook-missy
Encore-M&M
Massacre-50 cent
Late registration-kanye west

OK, it is probably too much to ask for Common to get this. At least fiddy didnt walk home with this.

i say to him... i says.... i says...

2006-03-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

"Do you like stand up comedy?"
and he says, "no"
and I go, "me niether" (pronounced like ETHER without the)

order by phone

2006-02-01T08:05:00.000-08:00

I was watching sydicated Gilmore Girls on free ABC Family around 11am. Come my way was a commercial for an instructional dance video called, "Byou".
Presumably, "you" is accomplished for $19.99 plus shipping and handling, then you can learn how to dance such that you are you.
Oh and there were blondes in tight fitting clothes to makes sure you new how you arew supposed to look.
This did not even come close to Darrin's Dance Grooves
(aint no lie... bye...bye...bye)

Then about half an hour later a commercial for a 2 cd set of "today best Christian anthems" called Open My Heart came on the same channel. 24 songs featuring todays best Christian artists (oooo its on again) this commercial had lots of yound white people who dressed themselves very cool and were way into this instrumental spirit-led music. Time/Life has always been the keeper of my spiritual compass, thanks again Time Warner Corporation for making my relationship with God so accessable for only 9.99 + shipping and handling.

sweet

What I want

2006-01-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

is more shows with the term "untrained celebrities" in the description...

JUST SAY NO
to B-list celebrities

Superlatives

2006-01-10T00:23:00.000-08:00

Most Likely to be photographed in a white T-shirt:
Jennifer Aniston

Most in need of old hair color
3 way tie
Rachel McAdams
Laura Prepon
Lindsey Lohan

stupified by infotainment

2005-05-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

The Quickvote poll at cnn.com today reads as follows

Do you believe a dog could care for a baby?
Yes
No

I am a teacher

2005-05-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

One of my students asked me if I would allow an elephant to "poop" on me for a trillion dollars.

I said no.

I did think though, Trillion has a lot of zeros.

things to consider before making up you own mind to this querry:
1. is direct contact with poop implied in the premise.
2. is the money in a lump sum payment or paid out over years (and option would be best)
3. Tax implications
4. What does an elephant eat exactly
5. Elephants are pregnant for 2 years before birth, how long is their digestive track

i just gave myself a headrush

2005-04-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

i went to the library last night
checked out 2 books.
chomsky: "demcracy and miseducation" (im bring that one to lunch just to get dave closer to a HEART ATTACK) and "java script for beginners" or something like that.
i also got the British comedy series THE OFFICE.
if the FBI investigated my library records, i could be found to be something of a dork. brit comedies, high intellectual mastubation, and over 700 hundred pages of computer geek speak.

How do you account for this element in society?

2005-04-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

You walk past these people everyday. Fans like myself must begin to consider themselves lucky (and I consider myself one) that they too did not end up with this odd obsession.

lookie here

ok what ha happen was... these folks were camping outside the famous chinese theatre in LA. There were told the movie was not going to be playing at this theatre but one down the road. They said that was a lie and conitued to camp out where they were. the culprits.... you guessed it star wars geeks

how to manage your affairs without losing your cool head

2005-03-18T21:51:00.000-08:00

The deep desire i have to be better than you will ruin us both. I will make damn sure of that, old foe. I am going to sit in front of your house here with a mason jar full of gasoline and when you come out to get your mail or walk your ugly fucking dog the rest of you will be met by ball of fire. I never wanted to go this far or especially feel that this was the only way you would truly understand in your little squirrel shaped head , but what can i do? you have driven me this far this mad this determined...the phone calls the incessant surveys and offers the mailers and junk paper heaping up in my mailbox eevery day you wasteful bastards so here i am in your shrubs crouched like justice doer, a hidden pendragon waiting for you shaun allen, bka home depot visa card general manager bka fuckface

therapy today

2005-02-16T06:44:00.000-08:00

trouble sleeping, again.
she called late, again.
we talked until quarter of 2. again. sord of.
it took me another hour to sleep.
the culpret you guessed it: Frank Stallone.
actually it was the terrible error i made in a decision about a large plate of greek food about 1030 last night.
i do not think this has done much to improve my battle with the flu.

Pedro

2005-02-14T19:18:00.000-08:00

This kid I know has been seeing a girl for about 4 days. He calls me the Sunday night before Valentine's day. He runs this by me:

"I want to get the Assistant Principal to get the attention of the whole cafeteria and then I am going to say that 'some people are lucky enough to have some one near them on Valentine's day that they care share love with' [or something sappy like that], and then when she comes up I am going to say this: '_______ I hope you will accept much from me, starting with this flower [pink rose] and my love. what do you think"

I was impressed considering where this boy had come from to reach this close to manhood. He beamed with excitement over the phone line. I imagine he had trouble sleeping that night.

He wanted my opinion because he said I was a "grown man". Wow-wee.

Glad to report he went through with the plan and it was a smashing success that caused him to be late for his english class.

Headline reads....

2005-02-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

Is there any thing less in need of further comment than the headline:

Corey Feldman Subpoenaed in Michael Jackson Case